Hope

Friday, October 15, 2010

I write because I want to get tired. Being tired is good. Being tired leads to sleep, usually. Sleeping means temporary respite from your demons. Sleeping is better than lying on the floor staring up at your fan, spending its life spinning on its axis never ending. Sleeping is better than seeing your failures line up and jeering at you. Over your achievements. Writing without thinking means staring at a white page getting filled up with random crap which will act as reminders that your life used to be crap once upon a time. Atleast you’ll feel better after 15 years reading this that nothing has changed. Its still crap at some point in the future. Staring at the pc screen gets your eyes tired which means sleep. Usually.

Some people have the personality that they can’t see their achievements over their failures. Every time I am back at this point thinking of what I haven’t yet achieved, some positive friends of mine tell me to look back and see what I’ve achieved so far. Well it doesn’t feel that good to me, so I thought I’d write down all the small achievements so far and all that I’ve had set my aims for but I am yet to achieve. Here goes –

Achieved:

2 bronze medals, Karate tournament, age 17

1 silver medal, Taekwondo tournament, age 17

Black belt in Taekwondo, age 18

First EP, pioneering Bloodlust, age 20

First national TV appearance, age 21

BBA Graduation (does this even count?), age 22

Job at Citibank, age 22

Job at GP, age 23

First major label release, mainstream band, age 24

First promotion, age 25

First performance as guitar instrumental artist, age 27

Second promotion, age 28

Not achieved and other disappointments at age 28 and counting:

Getting the fuck out of BD

Releasing an instrumental EP/CD in BD

Performing regularly at shows

Making some good quality music in BD

Releasing my instrumental CD from Favored Nations

Having a music career

Going to college for a performance degree in music

Not being able to focus on learning to sing

I don’t know if I should be happy or if I should be sad but I am just tired of all this running about in circles chasing after my music. It seems like all my efforts at being a musician if going to waste. I’ve been trying to get out of bd for soooo long now but obstacles spring up from nowhere. Sometimes you get so tired that its beyond your body and it starts nibbling and eating away at your mind. I think its happening to me. Its so easy to give everything up, all this crazy shit and just be normal, have a great normal job life with a big salary and buying that plasma tv after all, getting that next promotion (its easy as a pie), marrying a decent girl and loving her, having kids and just live a life. That’s it, so simple and easy and normal. They say Hope is the worst evil because it prolongs the torment of man. I know this for a fact. I’ve been hoping for something to come through for so long that its become an addiction.

The importance of support & ... fatherly approval?

Today the headlines of most of our newspapers read - 'Bangladesh On Everest'. A bangladeshi 30 year old man has reached the top of Mt. Everest. This is the first time by a fellow country man to achieve this big an accomplishment. After being happy for him, the next thought that came to my mind was - 'Did he get any support from his family to make this HUGE achievement?' 'Did his parents tell him to go for his dreams and not look back?' 'Did they give him any support when he wanted to leave his job (or not get into a job altogether) and wanted to make history?' .... I DON'T THINK SO. I don't really think that our support system, our parents and the elders and the other family members here have any idea how to support someone who wants to be different, who wants to do something MORE, something ELSE than the others. Every one pressurises the young people to be 'responsible' or to 'grow up' or to do the 'normal' thing.

This has been bugging me for quite sometime now. Willingly or unwillingly i am always analyzing my progress (or lack thereof) of my musical journey. Most of the times, I feel that if only I had a stronger support system, I could have done so much better. By support system I mean encouragement and appreciation by parents. I am a musician soul which has been born into a pretty non-musical family, although my mom can sing a bit and some of my aunties are accomplished singers. However Dad isn't. Therefore, given the context of a third world country where it takes a LOT to ensure a secured and stable life, the pressure was always on from a young age to establish myself and be stable. I remember as a child I had a natural talent for sketching and painting. I also had a little bit of understanding of Fashion and Interior Design. And ofcourse later I discovered I have considerable talents as a musician. However I am none of the above.

I've been struggling in the local music scene for quite a long time now, and it really isn't getting any better. Yes I know that i am respected amongst a very small group of people but that is nothing. In all this years, I have NOT had any amount of support from my father. Let's not even talk about appreciation. For some strange reason, my efforts are not really good enough for him - and he even has his 2 cents to give regarding my choice to concentrate on guitar and instrumental music - according to him I should sing too as playing the guitar only would not take me anywhere. Ok. You have an opinion and I will try to respect it - but do say something positive! :)

However, after finally months of actual self taught voice lessons and mental preparations, I DID sing in an event where the audience really liked the performance, proven by the fact that they were dancing and several of them came up to me later to show their appreciation, upon showing the video of the performance my dad had this to say - 'What does that backdrop in the background mean?' Thats it. :). I know i could be the most terriblest singer in the whole wide world...but You are my parent...you can say a few encouraging words...like mom did. It wouldn't REALLY hurt you Lol...in a way I find it really funny as well cuz my expectations from him are Zero and I didnt even want to share the vdo, but mom insisted. Even then it feels kinda weird cuz I know if I had enough support from my surroundings, I would've done much much better.

or maybe I am just making excuses for my own failures.

good night everyone, I love you all.

Ashique M. Fahim

Bangkok Food...

ok long time no blogging...don't complain cuz either i am too busy or i am too depressed that i am not too busy making music...so...i thought i'd just post some photos of food from bangkok...from the last trip where me and anton tried to photograph every lunch we had...so here goes...

First Hour In Bangkok - and I had to get this soup...tom yam goon at a very cheap road side hotel near where Anton used to live...we had this bowl of soup almost every day...my mouth waters...



















Experimented with something REALLY Thai...this is Semi-raw Beef with Blood :D...was pretty good actually...


















Very Simple thai rice with stir fried see food and! CHOCOLATE MILK! (LOVE IT!)




















SUSHI!!! SUSHI!! SUSHI!!!
Look how happy Anton is because..(wait for it...)
SUSHI = HAPPINESS!!!
I am equally happy on this side of the lense! :D




















Road side Pad-Thai...(don't giggle!)
























Simple lunch...Rice and stir fried sea-food with chillies...simply chiliiiciious!


























Rice with chicken & beef & ... EGG! We loved this egg thingy in thai food...had it almost in every of our lunches :D




















Assorted meat for hot-pot frying :D















Mr. Anton frying the meat with demonic satisfaction :D
















A seven-eleven grilled chicken burger at 2.00 a.m.
To me, the best burger ever. And the best time.




















And finally...washing it all down with Mai-Tais at the Baba bar :D
We were broke and could order only one drink...but they gave us one free! (because everywhere we go, people can't help but fall in love with us :D:D)

Kichui Bhalo Lagche Nah.

Kichui Bhalo Lagche Nah.

The Potato Sellers and The Clown Act

So the other day, one young dude comes up to one of my best friends Anton (a good heavy metal vocalist and a hard-core musician) and says 'Have you heard this guy's music?! Its really good, the public will eat it up!' (which, interpreted from bangla means that the music is very commercial and it will appeal to the public). Anton, being the hard-core musician and the sharp mouth he is, says "if he wants to feed the public, why doesn't he sell potatoes? Isn't that a healthier choice? Why does he needs the public to eat his music?" I almost died from laughing on hearing this...and how true it is in today's music scene! Every where I see now, every 'musician' is selling their music. Yeah i know you need to make a living out of it and everything, but come on, get a part-time job or play live gigs with cover bands for that. Why do you make music with the only intention of 'feeding' the public?

An accentuated version of these potato sellers are the organizers and promoters these days. Esp in Dhaka. Very recently i was playing guest guitars with a mainstream rock band, and was negotiating a deal with this 'organizer'. You won't believe me what 2 questions he asked me, even after knowing that we are a established rock band, and we have been one of the top 10 finalists of Djuice Rockstars (a band competition with wide national coverage). He asked me -

1. Do you guys play hindi songs?
2. Do you guys have a female vocalist?

I was dumbstruck with my fone on one hand and a cigarette on the other for a full 15 seconds. I could not believe I just heard what he said. A female vocalist? Is that what the potato sellers are selling these days? Is that what your 'clients' are looking for in a band now, you motherfucking meat seller? To ogle at a girl and tickle their fantasies? I kept my calm and asked him - hi, have you seen our band? He came back with this reply - yeah I know you didn't have a female, but these days everyone who didn't have them are also adding a female vocalist, so.... This is what the vegetable and meat sellers are doing to our music scene. I hung the phone up and went back to sipping my cup of road side tea with Anton.

Please go back to selling potatoes, (not) dear organizers. It's more profitable and suits you.

On an additional note, I was recently hired as The Clown Act in a small gig. (by 'hired' I mean 'not paid', just being given the holy chance to perform in front of a minuscule crowd). Usually, in a live music bar, a small band/artist opens the night and then the headliner comes in. In a circus, though, there are specialized acts, and in between these acts, there are Clowns who come in and jump and do funny stuff to keep the crowd entertained. So, when the holy organizer said that I will have to perform my set in the break that the main band will take between their 2 sets, I knew i was The Clown Act.

After struggling two days with it, I finally decided to swallow my pride and do the gig, in hopes of that day when I will be the headliner (being an instrumental musician in a 3rd world country where music is sold like potatoes and meat, I doubt that will ever happen here). But if that day ever comes, watch out Mr. Potato Seller!

If you are a true musician, be very careful of the Potato Sellers and I hope that you will never have to be The Clown Act.

Anyway, here are some videos from the gig:

Crush of Love (Satriani Cover) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIBserGjqJc

Mornings With You (Original) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxsNynXmBlA

Love Thing (Satriani Cover) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1Drfd9n9zQ

Love and Peace,
Fahim

Turning 28

I turned 28 about an hour ago. :).

As most of my birthdays go, this one is also very very special to me. Not for any particular reason, just because. Being a bit of an narcissist (and hiding it as much as i can), my birthday is the single most important day to me in the year. This day is all about me! I still feel like a kid from the last week of January in anticipation of my day...planning a party for my best friends, finalizing the small details, getting the happy birthday hug from momma in the early morning (She, like me, believes that birthdays start with the sunrise :D)...ah!

But this year, i feel that this birthday will mean much more to me, because it hopefully is going to be my last birthday as a conformer, as a musician caught in the traps of jobs and responsibility and money. Hopefully if everything goes well (touch wood, touch wood!) I will move out very soon, and start my life as a full time struggling musician. (did you catch the word struggling?) Soon, i hope, i will be far away from being the outcome of my father's risk averse dreams and ordinary hopes. Very soon I hope that I will be away from this bone-crushing pain of seeing my dreams get far away from me as days pass by and the layers of years fall on top of each other.

I don't dream of riding a BMW or Bentley some day. I don't dream of champagne nights and i don't dream of the glitz of shopping malls. Give me my tube and give me my seedy live music bar and give me my guitar. I will be happy.

27 years have gone by. 28th will change my life.

Or I will not be living, just surviving.

Bangkok Adventourus 2009 - Chapter III

Saturday, November 14, 2009
16:16
Anton’s 1 room apartment, Bangkok.

I landed here on the 12th and the two days just zipped past me. Whooosh! That’s what usually happens whenever I am in Bangkok. What’s different this time is that I am taking it a bit slow this time, giving myself more time to take it all in. And another thing that’s different is Darky. He greeted Anton with all the yippie and yuppie of an 8 month old puppy and me with a slight fear. But within one day we’ve become friends and apparently he has developed a great liking of biting my legs and feet with his small teeth! Here are some pictures of this little bundle of abundant energy –

Met two of anton’s friends – Daniel and Alisa. We jammed at a local studio here. They are really good people. I usually don’t like people too much but they were cool kids to hang out with.

I really liked the management of the studios/jam pads here – you just walk in and practice and pay by the hour. They have guitars, bass guitars, basic distortion pedals AND not one, but TWO marshall combos in the pad, and you can just come in and play. I feel sad when I think about our jam pads back at home and how those people are ripping us off. Oh well, one more thing to be pissed about my lovely country!

I had the best day of my life on the 13th … and that is all I will say here because some matters are just not to be shared, blog or no-blog. :)

Till Next Time!